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The program for the John F. Kennedy Center in the nation's capital highlights a lighthearted bilingual performance and an improvised theatrical troupe. Conspicuously absent from the public schedule is the upcoming FIFA World Cup draw, presumably because it is a strictly closed-door gathering. Officials likely want to keep out any unwanted guests from gaining entry at what threatens to be an overly lengthy, self-aggrandizing spectacle where well-paid dignitaries will undoubtedly parrot the well-worn platitude that "football unites the world."

A Star-Studded Hosting Team

A glamorous event is due to be hosted by television personality Heidi Klum together with diminutive American comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Joining the celebrity roster will be American football icon Eli Manning on red-carpet duty and actor Danny Ramirez as a roving reporter. Collectively, they will preside over a ceremony that will undoubtedly have English football fans nostalgic for longing for the halcyon, unpretentious days of Graham Taylor, FA officials, the FA tombola and a reliable fabric pouch of simple, numbered balls.

Scheduled to last the thick end of three torturous hours, the event will feature a staggering agenda of lengthy speeches, saccharine video montages, scripted gags, famous faces, performances from artists with perhaps no embarrassment or enormous tax bills, and then... finally, the real World Cup draw.

Athletic Greats on Ceremony Duty

Included in those tasked with conducting the draw? NBA legend Shaquille O'Neal, hockey great Wayne Gretzky, football star Tom Brady and baseball slugger Aaron Judge, all plucking balls under the watchful eye of ex-footballer Rio Ferdinand. Given the vast, untapped reservoir of charisma exhibited by these veteran sporting icons, barring an uniformed security team crashing the event, it's difficult to envision what could potentially go wrong.

Actually, very little, if the tone-deaf defence of FIFA's well-documented World Cup exorbitant ticket pricing mounted by an overly deferential spokesperson is any kind of gauge. Upon being questioned if tickets should be more accessible for average fans, the reply was non-committal. "In my view we have to be conscious of that and I think FIFA are definitely an organization that are aware of that," was the statement. "But listen, I think we can look at every industry, every sector, we could have that discussion about things," he added. The suggestion appeared that high prices are justified when compared with other luxury goods.

The Actual Draw

With 42 countries already secured a place for next summer's jamboree and six more set to qualify, there will be a genuine feeling of excitement once the opening acts conclude and the actual draw begins. While fans worldwide wait with great anticipation to see which three nations their own country will play in the group stages, the anticipation will be nothing compared to that which comes before the reveal of the recipient of FIFA's inaugural award for peace for "individuals who help bring together people in peace through unwavering dedication and special actions." Given that the draw is in the US capital and the World Cup is mostly in the US, speculation about the recipient are ripe, though the hints are there.

"I have no worries at the moment. I was speaking to the chairman today. My connection with him is rock solid really. I have a real transparent and frank relationship. So regarding my position in that sense I have completely no concerns whatsoever" – comments from a manager with a team in the midst of a five-game losing streak, offering a textbook quote-that-will-definitely-get-resurfaced should changes occur down the line.

Fan Correspondence

• "Further to the discussion of a possible club named Kevin... there is an exciting Brazilian winger named Kevin at a Premier League club who cost more than £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be persuaded to buy a lower league club and bestow his name on it."
• "Going to football games in the 80s/90s, when the opponent was 'Keith', a common jest was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "My reading ceased after nine words. 'Comprised of'! What was the thought process? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as unnecessary as an additional referee."
• "There is apprehension ahead of FIFA's Global Tombola: just what memorable tune will certain performers come up with if a political figure refuses to leave the stage, thereby necessitating an additional song?"